Divorce and children….

Let me start by saying that I am no expert by any means on divorce or children.  I am by far not the best, or perfect mom. I cuss, talk about things that my kids probably shouldn’t overhear. I am an open book, if they ask me a question I tell them the answer. (usually a sarcastic one)  I have gone out when I should of been home. I have made my children (gasp) fix themselves their own dinner on several occasions. I have cussed their dad and his wife, and every freaking slow driver that gets in my way.

Anyone who knows me, knows my divorce could be a lifetime movie. Hell it probably already is, but I survived, my kids survived and I am a hugely changed person. I am much more open minded about so many more things in life than I ever was, since my divorce. But what I have never, ever done is hold my kids hostage or used them as a personal advantage against my ex.

Having been on the dating scene for what seems like forever, I have met many men. I have met great dads who have full custody of their kids, and would stop the world to give them the best life that they can. (this is such a turn on) But I have also met dads who complain because they feel that they got screwed by their exes just because they have to pay child support, medical insurance etc for their kids. (uh hello jack wagon, they are your kids, you should support them) Moms don’t be fooled, you do this crap too.

But I am not here to talk about child support. I am here to tell you all that divorce sucks. But as much as it sucks for you it really sucks for your kids. They no longer get to see their parents at the same time. Their homes, schools and pretty much everything in their lives is being turned upside down and they have absolutely no say or control in the matter. You, the ex, or the courts are now determining what is in their best interest. So for the love of GOD stop making it about YOUR best interest and think of your child’s.

It’s not going to be easy, emotions are high, and you may feel the need to control some aspect of your divorce by using your kids as leverage. But it is only going to hurt your children. You make your child your best friend, or make yourself feel better by making your kid completely dependent on you. They are not mentally prepared to handle the pressure of feeling like your happiness depends on them. Stop holding them hostage by making them feel like they love you less if they want to spend time with the other parent. Stop thinking that if you ruin their relationship with the other parent that makes you the better parent. Basically stop MIND FUCKING your children to believe what you want them to believe, and trying to make them feel the pain you are feeling over your divorce so they take your side. Kids need to be kids, they need food, love, and physical activity. They need to know that they have the support of their parents and that they can count on them to be there for them when needed.

I didn’t do everything right in my divorce, my kids know more than they should for sure. But I  can’t not talk about this any longer.  It’s too hard to stand by and watch people hurt what they love the most, because they are hurting. I am sick of seeing moms so scared to be on their own that they pit the child against the dad so they can get more money. I am sick of seeing dads talk bad about the mom because they have to pay child support. Or fight for custody of the kids just so they don’t have to pay support, only to leave the kids with other people all the time and not really have a relationship with them.

So whether you are going through a divorce now or are thinking about it or even if you are already divorced. Don’t make your kids collateral damage. Protect their hearts from hurt and  promote the best relationship that they can possibly have with both parents. Try to be the parent you wanted to be when you found out you were going to be a mom or dad. Remember that you wanted more for them than you had for yourself. Remember our job as parents to teach our kids what is right and wrong and how to treat others. Be the role model that you had or wished you had as a kid.

When the love is gone, try to remember the love that created what you have. The Kids!!!

 

 

The 25 Year Degree

This Sunday I will finally end my journey towards getting my college degree. I have been enrolled since I graduated high school in (gasp) 1991. I quit high school when I knew everything, in the beginning of 10th grade. I got a little smarter in the next 3 years and actually went to night school and got my GED the same day as my original graduation date.

I was a horrible teenager with a lot of angst against the world and my surroundings. But after getting hired into the family company, I started to settle in to being a decent young adult. I decided I could go to college and actually do more than run the streets. So after I received my GED, I enrolled at Valencia and started classes fall of 91. After the Fall semester I enrolled in the spring semester, only to meet my future husband in February 1992 and decided I wanted to spend more time with him and dropped out of my classes.

Life remained status quo for awhile, I had a good job with the family company. Corey and I lived together and though engaged after the first year, we were in no hurry to get married. We were happy, and we were trying to have a baby, but a wedding wasn’t important. In the fall of 1997 I decided it was time to go back to school. In November my dad suddenly died and that rocked me more than I expected it too. I never really felt like I fit in with him. He was always closer to my brothers and step brothers than he ever was to me. I was a girl (blog for another day)…..

Shortly after my dads passing we were told by our infertility specialist to lose some weight, get married and he would do an IVF. We had been trying to get pregnant for over 3 years at this point. Well I lost weight and we planned and had the wedding Feb 7,1998. 3 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. And though I finished those classes I didn’t enroll in summer classes. Life as a family was now my focus!

Years passed, I had 6 miscarriages, and finally had twins in 2005 via IVF. We built our dream house in 2008, and then came the dramatic separation and divorce in 2009 which didn’t finish until 2011. 2011 we closed our family business, and I had to find new employment after 21 years in the same job, and now a single mom.

Finally in 2012, while working 2 jobs I decided I needed to find a way to go back to school. I took 2 classes each semester online, in the fall of 2012, spring, summer and fall of 2013. Then I started a new full time job and decided I needed to focus on that at least for a semester. Of course that turned into a 2 year break. In the fall of 2015 I went back and didn’t stop, I was on a mission to finish before my oldest graduated high school.

This Sunday’s graduation represents a lot of things for me. I have finally finished something in my life that no one else can take from me. No matter how long it may have taken me, and how many times I have stopped and started, I will now be a college graduate. This is proof that finishing,  is more important than how you started or what happened in the middle, it’s following through on what you set out to do that matters most.

This was not my normal silly, and sarcastic blog and I’m sorry for that, but I am proud of myself, and I hope that this blog will encourage others not to stop trying to get what you want. I am proof that you can have a life, and make it through college, or start a business or whatever you wish you could do.  If you want it, you can make it happen. It’s not easy, but it is possible.

As always, I wish you health, wealth and happiness. But today I am going to wish you patience and perseverance as well (these are needed most)

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO WORK FOR, SO GO DO IT !!!

 

 

 

Penis pic’s equal “Check Please” Tales of online dating!

I think I could pretty much write about dating, and the challenges that come with it all the time. I know lots of people do already and well I want to be just like them I guess. So here goes…..

WHY, are people so stupid!!!

Dating sucks, I am pretty sure it is not good for either side involved. Men hate having to ask women out and stand to be rejected, the cost of the date and they might worry about where to go and what to wear. Women worry about; being asked on a date, going on the date, where will they go, what should they order, who will pay, what should they wear, what should they talk about, (not exes) hair up or down, straight or curly, how much makeup, will they be safe, will the guy be weird, will I like the guy, the list is freaking endless. And if it’s from an online dating site, it’s even harder! Will they look like their pictures, will they be creepy,  will they have an annoying voice, will they try to drug or rape me,  will they show up, will they walk in and see me an leave, are they actually single, will the wife show up?

So since we all are mostly aware of what they challenges are just to get out on the a date, I want to start sharing stories of actual dates. These tales will give you an inside scoop to what goes on out here in the, after 40 dating world. Maybe you will decide that your spouse that you are considering leaving, might not be so bad after all!

I am going to start these dating tales with a date that happened to a friend. I have to talk about this first because of all my dating days this one shocked even me.

The date had been set and scheduled for an actual dinner, (not common in online dating, usually a meet and greet the first time meeting, easier to escape) at a decent restaurant at 8pm. This would ensure that they have time to get there after work, and it would be after the dinner rush. On a side note my friend agreed to a change of venue so to be closer to his area so he didn’t have to travel as far. (chivalry on her side)

They meet for  dinner, (she tells me later that he immediately tried to kiss her) I do a safety check on her around 30 mins into the date and she responded about 45 mins or so into the date. She was pleased with his appearance (better than his pictures) and he seemed cool (her words). Awesome, have fun talk to you later. Well about 2 hours after the date had begun,  I messaged again to see how she was and if she was home. Only to find out that this man (frat boy) suddenly started showing her dick pictures after dinner while they were sitting outside chatting. (wait, what)

Here is what I am telling you, this guy, buys her dinner, after she declines to let him come home with her, (hello, it’s a first date) to continue the evening they go sit outside of the restaurant to talk, and to get to know each other more. They sit down on a bench and as she is talking to him, he suddenly starts shoving his phone in her face showing her pic’s of his erect penis! ( HELLO, you are sitting next to her if she wanted to see it she would pull it out of your pants!!!!)

I can’t even imagine what her thought process at this time must of been. God bless her, I think she handled it well by asking him why he would do that, and what he expected to gain from it? He told her how much women like to see it, (penises are not pretty) and how that she should see the pictures women send to him. He actually started to pull up the gallery that he has SAVED of these pictures. (this is why you should never take or send these types of pic’s, they don’t go away) In the process he asked her why she was being so bitchy, and eventually said, “well I guess this evening is over!” (well, DUH)

This is why women are afraid to go out on dates. Yes I get that there are people that enjoy sending and receiving these pics. (many people) But if you are on a regular old fashioned date, with a normal person, having a normal conversation, and you are in no way talking about seeing someone’s penis, or having sex, or anything to that matter, WHY would you start showing off that crap while still on the date? I will tell you that this guy told my friend over and over in the week leading up to their date that he was a good guy, and wanted to find a women to have for the rest of his life. (what kind of woman) And men wonder why we don’t freaking believe them when they say it. Well boys, this is one of your own and he makes it hard (obviously for pic’s!) for all the rest of you.

I know there are good men out there, if I didn’t, I would give up dating completely, and just go out with my friends. (wait that’s what I do) My friends are a guaranteed good time, (platonic) but please for the love of God (well women) put your dick pic’s away and be normal at least for the first date. Trust me, if she wants you,and is into seeing your junk in pictures, she will ask you for it, or send pic’s of her nude first. (yes women do this too)

I must say I am very proud of my friend and how she handled this situation, I am thankful that it was only pic’s, and not something put in her drink or worse. I am hopeful that she and you won’t let this deter you from dating, but that it reminds you to keep yourself safe.Using caution when dating doesn’t make you jaded or bitter (people will tell you this), it just makes you protective of your own well being and rightfully so!

Here’s to our Health, Wealth and Happiness and to the many more dating adventures…..

 

 

Divorced life….

These days many people have been married and divorced several times, and no divorce is exactly the same.  It doesn’t matter if you wanted the divorce, were blindsided, knew it was imminent, or just devastated by it. We all have emotions, thoughts and feelings we would of never expected and will handle the aftermath of the divorce differently. I’m just here to discuss how it changed me, and to hopefully help you to understand that you aren’t alone. The things you might be thinking and feeling aren’t uncommon.

Those who know me, and were there for my divorce I believe would have testified on my behalf for a justifiable homicide. Had I decided to commit one! (or two) I went through many emotions, sadness, rage, self doubt, and many many insecurities on how I would ever be able to take care of myself and 3 young children. And quite frankly I was worried if anyone would ever want to be with me ever again.  I was 36 years old and had never truly lived on my own. (Rv in moms backyard doesn’t count) Since my divorce, I have found that there are many women that have been in these very same shoes. I am here to tell you that you will find amazing strength in yourself that you didn’t know you had.

People handle divorce differently, many times it is based on how it came about. Those that wanted the divorce are happy to be free and have a new lease on life (happy bastards), others have to grieve. I don’t recall exactly what the stages of dealing with a death are per the books, but I can tell you that you will go through them. To me it was a death! It was the death of my husband (not literally), my best friend (awe shucks), my dream of a normal white picket fence family, and virtually my happily ever after. I started out in the shock, and then the denial kicked in with me fighting (begging) for the chance to change the situation. After awhile I went into the anger and resentment stage.  The, I will show you stage quickly followed, and though this can be a good stage if you are trying to better yourself (got skinny), its not good if you are out being stupid (dating madness).

Whatever you do, do not shut out the world. I have had friends go through a divorce where they just hole up and never come out. This is not good for you!!! Yes, you might need time, and yes it may seem easier to just ignore the world but you can’t. You need to get up and keep kicking ass. If you don’t have friends to talk to, make new ones. Meetup.com was one of the best things I did post divorce. I have great friends, but sometimes you need new ones that don’t know your history. (you don’t have to share it either) With Meetup you can go do things in your area that you may have never done before and meet new people while doing it. Make friends, make new memories, you will never forget the old life that you had and there will be days where you feel overwhelmed and don’t want to keep going. But you will, and you can do it with a smile on your face and hoping for the best or you can do it being sad and bitter, but you will go on. (choose happiness)

Since my divorce, I have gone back to school and earned my degree. (enrolled since 1991, gah!!!) I have worked 2, sometimes 3 jobs since my divorce. My kids have plenty of food and clothes and a roof over their head. We live in our house alone (2 cats and a dog), and quite frankly  I love it. Not every day is easy, unexpected bills come up and things fall apart but I keep going. I am finally able to look forward to the future and all the things that I will do with my kids, my family, and my friends. It may not be the same future that I had planned for, but that doesn’t mean it’s not better. If you are going through a divorce, or been divorced for quite awhile, I hope you know that people are out here rooting for you. Stand up, get dressed and fight the fight. You can be happy and have the life you want to live.

 

 

The Why Me Question!

I was watching my current Netflix binge, Girlfriends Guide to Divorce the other day.  This show is my life, less all the money, and daily friends contact, hot doctors, and the heels. (who works in a bakery in 5 inch heels) Ok, so not really my life, but I relate to the emotions that the characters on the show go through.

Now I tend to watch shows while doing many other things. (Most moms do, that’s how we get stuff done) I am watching the show and two different times, with two couples, one asks the other, WHY ME? The second time I heard it, I stopped everything else that I was doing and I started paying attention.  And when I heard her ask him why he wanted to be with her, it made me take a sharp breath in. I, like her cannot seem to accept that someone would want me just because I am me. My sarcasm would say that I am freaking awesome why wouldn’t they want me, but reality is I don’t know why they would. (They must have an ulterior motive, and I must know what it is) Why do we feel this way about ourselves, why can’t we just believe that we are worthy?  Is this something we acquire post-divorce, when we feel like we’ve been discarded? Do most people have this bit of self-doubt, or does a life event trigger it?

I’m no therapist or have a degree in anything that is involved in the dealings of the mind and what causes us to feel this way about ourselves. But I do know when I was watching the show, and she asked why her, it made my heart break for her. I wanted to stand up and fight for her. Why not you; you are smart, funny, beautiful, have a great job? Girl you are crazy he wants you because you are amazing. (Literally yelling at this point) While I am mid yell, I was blindsided with the realization that I need to have that same kind of fight for myself. (I am those things too)

Somewhere along the way in this life we lose the fight for ourselves and instead spend the energy fighting for our family, friends, and other people we care about. Well it’s time that we start caring and fighting for ourselves. If we think it and feel it for them, we need to think it and do it for ourselves.

If it were a man telling me that I couldn’t do something I would be like, why the hell not! But shrink at the thought that someone could love me just for me.

I know this is not a new revelation to the world, this topic has been covered a billion times before, but this time it hit home.

We all deserve to know that it’s you (it’s me), because you have touched someone somehow, and even though you may not see it in yourself, they do.

I’m challenging myself and you, to just shut up that WHY ME voice, and accept that it’s us because we are freaking awesome!!!

Hello 1-900

Holidays are over, I’m back, and back to the adventures of my single life.

So I chatted with this guy a year or so ago, but we never met. ( I tend to weed people out early) Randomly, he pops up on my Facebook messenger. Downside to technology, if you give a guy your phone number you will pop up as someone they may know on Facebook. Bam, they now have your full name, keep this in mind ladies, the dating world can be scary.

So this guy starts with the normal, hi how are you, how have you been, are you still single? Then progresses to, do you like kissing, can I kiss you here and there, would you like if I do this? (Wait am I billing you 9.99 a minute) I just X out and ignore thinking he’d get the idea. (Men never get the idea) NOPE!!!

Hey Shawn, where did you go? Do you like these things being done to you? (The obvious answer is yes of course, doesn’t everyone) Me being the flippant girl that I am tell him that these are to be discovered, and not discussed. Should be the end of the subject right, or let’s get together and start discovering each other? (this is what I would think someone would say)  I get a well we can discuss, till we can discover! Dude you might want to discover my eye color, favorite food, or at the very least meet me in person before you think I am going to tell you my sexual desires. (ps, I can not desire someone I have never met, I am a see it, feel it, touch it kind of girl) So to get my point across, I ask him if he would want some man to one day contact his daughter and speak to her like that? Guess what, he got all freaked out, telling me to not discuss his daughter.( gee daddy, don’t want to think about a pig talking to your little girl that way) Needless to say, the conversation abruptly ended with a good luck to you, and poof we are done.

I, by nooooo means am a prude! If you know me, you know I am the biggest perverted, sexual innuendo person. And I love women who are open and honest with their sexuality and can chat with the best of them. But, if it is someone I am wanting to date, I need to know that there is chemistry between us. Chemistry can’t be known till we are in the same breathing space. So the virtual world of chatting about sex will just have to be for those with a more vivid imagination. ( Hmmm, unless I am getting paid and it’s not someone I will ever meet) I’ll stick to the old fashion, see it, feel it, touch it, and make it my own.

Moral of this story is, no matter what, you are in control of what you want to discuss! The image you want to portray or the role you want to play. Don’t think just because you are single, and you may be eager to go on a date you have to do, or discuss anything that you don’t want to.

Impressions matter, if their best foot forward is covered in warts and smells like a pig, they will most likely always be a pig.

Till the next time, I wish you health, wealth, happiness, and pig free adventures!

 

 

 

Single life….

Let me be the first to say that being single was nothing like I thought it would be. I had been with my ex since I was 18 and he was 27. I spent 17 years (being “raised by him” per his exit letter to me) with him. So at 36 and entering the “dating world”, dating was inconceivable to me, and I was definitely not prepared. But let me be the first to tell you, you will date again. God willing you will find Mister perfect for you, right out of the gate but if not I’m here to help.  Follow along on my journey, I plan to share some pointers (not penises, I don’t share those) that will help you navigate the dating world, or at the very least help you to laugh. (my dates have made me laugh)

First off you will get post separation skinny, (the I’ll show you phase) and you will eventually start to accept being on your own. (this is after you realize the post relationship body, won’t get him back) Slowly you start accepting your friends invitations to get you out of the house and this is where the adventure begin….

Girls night out has a whole new meaning when you are single verses when you were married. You start to realize you are not a dog (well maybe a bitch), and your ex was not the only man in the world! There are real people out there, and get this they want you! ( holy crap, some of them are HOT!!!) Yes, even some of those hot ones want you. (OMG did you see that guy across the bar, he just smiled at me) But there will also be a lot of, why do you think I would want you moments in your life too. (sweet baby Jesus, did he even shower this week) Pace yourself with dating, there are a lot of guys out there. (hot does not mean smart, and smart does not mean rich, and rich does not me nice, but smelly does mean gross)

You are going to go through a phase where you feel the need to accept every dinner invitation, (it’s rude to say no, right!) and you will crave the attention like a drug.(damn I’m wanted) DON’T fall for it. Dinners are not FREE….. There is a cost to that dinner, drink, coffee, and even just a walk in the park. This is where you will learn quickly that dating is not what it used to be. There are costs to pay, whether it’s your time, splitting the bill, or having to listen to him vent about his ex, child support or how his mother didn’t wash his clothes in time to meet you. And yes some even expect sex! (gasp) There are prices to be paid for this date/meet and greet, etc., and you need to be willing to pay. So know the cost! Dating can and will suck the life out of you, if you let it. Choose wisely, you DON’T have to accept every invite, you can say the N word. NO and be prepared to say the other N word, NEXT! Talk, yes I mean literally talk on the phone before going on a date with them. (oh my how much gas, time, makeup , hairspray,  I could of saved myself if I had done this) More to follow on this subject….

I wanted to write this today because I think many of us go into the big bad world of being single, not realizing that it’s not only ok to be single, it can be fanfreakingtastic if you choose to make that way. You do not have to be on the arm of your soul mate right now. You have to learn that you can fly all on your own before you can fly well with company. Yes, your mom may of pushed you out of the nest to fly, and and yes you actually flew for a bit, but you flew into a new nest with a partner to steer you. Or you may of flapped around (snickering to myself) for a bit before settling down into a comfy new nest. Or you may of hopped out of that damn nest all on your own. What ever the case may be if you are single right now, please know that it’s ok, you will be ok. You can navigate this new world, all on your own, without feeling like a failure. And don’t worry that if you’re alone today, you will be alone for the rest of your life. (Men need sex, you won’t be alone forever) Time heals wounds,of your mind, body, and soul needs to find out who they are, on their own again, without the influence of another.

I will be covering the dating area extensively over the course of my blog because it’s the reason I wanted to start it. I have done lots and lots dating, and no you can not shame me for it. I am a grown ass (fully grown ass) single woman who pays my own bills, so I live the life I want to, as you should to.

So until next time I wish you health, wealth and happiness, and if you can get it, I wish you some great sex as well….

Do what ya gotta do…

For those of you who may not know, I am all about full disclosure. Many times my friends will yell out TMI and cover their ears. Well I am going to disclose how stupid but effective I can be.

As some of you may be aware of my roof leak / major termite damage as over taken my freshly made over living room. ( life likes to throw curves) Well I am expecting 16 to 20 people not only for thanksgiving but then again for a holiday party. ( WTH am I thinking). So since there is no money fairy coming to repair this damage, I decided to make that “B” pretty.

Last night, much to my daughters chagrin I decided to wrap this little baby up. Throw back up the mantle and act like life is good. Don’t worry I will be doing more to this to make it look a little better, but I couldn’t wait to share in my silliness.

This morning when I was thinking about this paper it made me realize that this is how I get through my day. For weeks I have stared at this hole and contemplated what I can do with it, how can I fix it and mostly just cried about my poor luck.

But like life, sometimes you just have to patch over it and move on. Each day, even when I don’t feel like it, I get up and put on makeup, do my hair and slap on my sarcastic attitude and smile. I move on, there is no reason to keep staring at the bad things that happen. Picking at a sore does nothing but make it scar and last forever.

Yes I know I will have to get this damage to the house fixed. (DUH I know I am blonde but even I know this bandaid won’t stay) But for this week, this wrapping paper will  let me enjoy my friends and family and focus on the many things that I am thankful for,instead of the curve balls that life likes to throw at me.

Here’s to you all being able to focus on the good this week, slap on a bandaid and move forward. You can do it!

Health, wealth, and happiness starts with you…

Hello, is this thing on?

Let me start with, YES there is life after 40. There is life after marriage; miscarriages, IVF, after having children, after divorce, after bankruptcy, dating, heartbreaks, diet failures, bad sex, roof leaks, termites, and all the other crap that life likes to throw at us just when we think we’ve made it through the worse. I don’t care how hard it may seem, there is life after these things come and go. I’m living breathing proof of that.

My name is Shawn and I am a 43 year old, dreadfully sarcastic, single mom of three absolutely beautiful, amazingly stubborn, strong minded, and extremely sarcastic daughters. (Yes, I know it’s my fault. Thanks mom for reminding me) I am divorced, own a home, work, go to school, socialize, and date. I am a DIY’er, sometimes because I want to, most times because I am to poor to pay someone else. Either way it gets done.

I am starting this blog with the intention to tell you that you are not alone in this journey. There are a lot of us out here, and we need to stick together to take over the world. (swooping of cape and hair blowing in the wind) My dream, well my hope is to bring some humor to all the turmoil that happens in our daily lives, (laugh helps when you can’t have wine)not only as single mom’s, as women in general. Being a woman is a pain in the ass, but I love it. Men don’t respect ya (piss on em), other women want to cut ya (good thing I’m thick), cuss ya and keep you down. Most men and even some women, will tell you that can’t do something that is generally termed MAN work (prove them wrong).

I will try to update regularly, I’ve never followed a blog so I’m clueless to what the norm is. But I promise when I have something good to tell, you will be one of the first to hear it. Really wanting a catchy signing off phrase, live long and prosper is taken. Hmmm, how about….. Here’s to your health, wealth and happiness till we meet again…

Guess what… It’s Friday…..

Every Friday is usually a good Friday, but on this particular Friday, my girls come home and next week will be a short week at work. Who could complain about that?  I am ready to get my weekend started, and enjoy the time spent away from my desk in the dungeon, and my fellow co workers. (not that they are bad, well no too bad)

This weekend will consist of homework and hopefully some home repairs and clean up. For the first time ever I will be having a crapload (redneck english) of people for Thanksgiving. So I need to pick up (scrub my entire house) for company that is coming.  We will discuss that next week, when I’m on crack (legal diet pills, don’t report me) while trying to get everything done in time. Till then, wishing you health, wealth and happiness…..